Mother's Day...

As I was writing this post I deleted the page a thousand times until I finally got the courage to finish it. It was a difficult task mainly because for years I was not ready to put these words in writing. Seven years ago I lost my mother very unexpectedly and it left me with an unbelievable emptiness that until recently I did not come to understand. For years I asked myself, What if? And replayed our relationship over and over in my head. I blamed myself for not trying harder, told myself why I did not embrace more of our relationship even if it was just for a few moments at a time. Five months later I lost my grandmother, and it was one of the hardest things I had to endure. She was my rock, and even though we lived thousands of miles apart, I looked forward to my conversations with her, she was more than my grandma, but the one that no matter what believed in me 100%, showed me what unconditional love was, she was an amazing woman and the strongest I knew. So for seven years, I avoided thinking about Mother's Day and what the day really should mean to me. I took away the joy of spending time with my children, to let them enjoy me, I put a wall so high no one could climb or break to get me to understand what I now see for myself. I put this wall up because I was lacking that from my relationship with my mother, and did not want to face my reality at the moment.

My reality was I had lost two of the most important women in my life. So what did I learn recently? Why did it take me seven years to open my eyes and listen to my heart? Understanding that I had two completely different relationships with them made me the woman I am today. I failed to understand that even as different as they were, they both showed me strength, endurance, love, how to be a mother, how to live above my expectations, to not let pain and disappointment get in my way, to always follow my heart and my dreams. I learned that the past is just that, the past, that no matter how the relationship with my mother was, she was my mom and that even when I might not have had those moments I needed, I can close my eyes and feel her presence. That I will always have the best of memories with both of them when I missed them the most. That as I grow older I need to appreciate my time here and now especially, with my children. That I no longer need to look back and think of the What if? Because there is a here and now for me to improve every day. I also learned that I am going to miss them each day, especially on those days when I want to hold them and say happy Mother's Day, or a phone call at 5 am on my birthday when I know is no longer coming but all the memories will always remain. I learned that I need to be mentally present for my family each day, but most importantly on the days that they want to celebrate me and that there is no need for me to feel guilty because I also deserve it. So to my angels in heaven, may this Mother's Day you get to enjoy each other's love together in heaven. Thank you for the love and all the memories you left me with. Happy Mother's Day...